new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
