my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
