I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
