The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
