The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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