After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
