I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
