Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
