I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
