She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
