Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
