nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
