I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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