We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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