i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize