Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
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