There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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