Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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