LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
