She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
