I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
