You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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