this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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