my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
