from now on my penis is your penis
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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