I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
