just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
