this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
