Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
