I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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