Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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