I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize