im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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