I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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