I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
