I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
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