the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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