Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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