I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
