he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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