I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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