My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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