Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
