I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
