wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
