What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
