i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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