There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
