i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize