I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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