In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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