At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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