wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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