I like my sex mixed with concussions.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
