just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
