Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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