new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
