I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
