So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
