Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I understand Curling. That high.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
