Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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