She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
